Argyle Nights - Part 2

Well now, were did I leave off last time, oh yes, the second outing of the Argyle Knights team. Guess what though; Instead of just telling you all what happened, I'm going to play a little game with you all! This will probably remind you of one of those choose your own adventure type books, but in this case you must try to guess what really happened out of 3 possible scenarios.

Each of these scenarios takes place at or on the way to the new Moxies on Macleod trail in the early evening on a Sunday night and all 4 members of the team are involved at some point, besides that anything goes so good luck, hope you all enjoy!

Scenario 1

After learning some crucial lessons from our first outing, the team decided it would be a good idea to have some sort of back-story this time so we decided to take Steve’s car and discuss our "history" on the way to Moxies. We all looked very stylish in our outfits if I do say so myself, unfortunately no one had any really good ideas so we defaulted to being an amateur band (Kind of like a barbershop quartet) each with our own role in the band (I was drums) but not much besides that. We thought it would be really funny to mess with the staff by entering two at a time 3 minutes apart. Jeff and myself entered first looking not at all gay and our bewildered looking hostess hesitantly took us to the bar. It came as no surprise that she took us to the farthest and most isolated table in the very back and said almost nothing while seating us.

Then, right on time, Jeff and Steve entered promptly to find the hostess now half freaked out and half curious at the same time. She asked Steve if they had two friends in the bar and Steve proclaimed in fake British accent (which was totally unplanned and made me a Jeff look quite foolish with our Canadian accents!) "Why yes my dear, It would be my pleasure if you could escort us to their table." The waitress complied and as she left she couldn't help but crack a smile in amusement. When we heard what Steve had done we weren't too happy but we saved the day by saying he recently immigrated from Britain when our waitress asked what was up. So far things were not going well, but the tide would soon turn when, I kid you not, a group of 4 girls entered and were seated in the table just behind us!

I thought to myself, finally our moment had come! But as it turns out, one of the girls was actually one of Shinny's ex-girlfriends! I can't remember which number she was, but it didn't mater because the jig was up. As I recall, Shinny said something along the lines of "Rachel! I thought you moved to Vancouver, what are you doing here?" She responds with "I'm just visiting for a couple of weeks (she smirks) why are all dressed like old golf course type guys? We all laughed and spent the next 5 min. trying to explain the real reason. All four girls thought it was cute in an odd sort of way and so we wound up having dessert and drinks with the girls. It was a really fun time actually.

At the end of the night Shinny and Rachel exchanged their new contact info and we all parted ways. On the way home we all decided that this Argyle Night was clearly meant to be and that it increased our collective sex appeal, even if things rarely go as planned. So we resolved to do this again at some fancy place downtown next time Shinny was in town and yes we wrote "Thank you for the Gorgeous Time" on the receipt this time.

Scenario 2

After learning some crucial lessons from our first outing, the team decided it would be a good idea to have some sort of back-story this time so we decided to take three separate cars and discuss our "history" when we got to the Moxies parking lot. We all looked very stylish in our outfits if I do say so myself, after some debate, we decided to we would be going to Frank Sessions Casino again to play some Texas Holdom, which was a good decision it turns out because one of the waitress asked about it later and we actually knew what we were talking about. We thought it would be really funny to mess with the staff by entering two at a time 3 minutes apart. Jeff and myself entered first looking not at all gay and our bewildered looking hostess took us to the bar. She sat us in the middle of the bar not surprising in plane view from were all the bar staff was working.

Then, right on time, Jeff and Steve entered promptly to find the hostess now half freaked out and half curious at the same time. She asked Steve if they had two friends in the bar and Steve proclaimed with some hesitation “We have no back-story” The waitress laughed a little (which I’m sure made Steve die a little inside) then she brought them to our table and Shinny explained how Steve dropped the ball. When we heard what Steve had done we weren't too happy but we saved the day by explaining the casino story to our waitress when she asked about us on behalf of the bar staff. The waitress took awhile to warm up to us, but once we turned on our charm, she was much more friendly. Just as a side note, we found it interesting that some of the other waitresses were finding excuses to see our table (We were making an impact I think). So far things weren’t going according to plan, but it may have something to do with the time and the day we decided to come, we needed a bigger crowd! We did get some looks and laughs though, in fact you could say we were providing a valuable service to the obvious first date couple that now had something fun to break the tension and hopefully solidify a long and healthy relationship.

By the end of the night we had several appetizers, drinks, and desserts including the delicious Moxies brownie and had a decent time. Before we all left for our homes at the late of hour of about 10:00 p.m. (well past our bedtimes) we resolved to do this again in a fancier, busier place downtown sometime to really make some waves, and yes, we wrote "Thank you for the Gorgeous Time" on the receipt this time.

Scenario 3

After learning some crucial lessons from our first outing, the team decided it would be a good idea to have some sort of back-story this time so we decided to take Marathon’s car and discuss our "history" on the way to Moxies. We all looked very stylish in our outfits if I do say so myself, unfortunately our night quickly went the wrong way when we somehow took a few wrong turns and found ourselves lost in the dirty slums of Forest Lawn. To make matters worse, Marathon forgot to fill up on gas and we stalled in the middle of the neighborhood! We were stuck in a Canadian ghetto, no food, no Team America soundtrack (Marathon had somehow lost it and all he had was Celine Dion’s greatest hits!, no weapons, and we clearly did not belong here in Argyle sweaters. A dire situation indeed, but we were determined to make the best of it so Shinny proposed that we have a surprise night mission right here in Forest Lawn! Marathon objected immediately saying “I don’t know guys, one us might get hurt” the rest of us struck back by calling him a “Girly Candy Ass Mo-fo” Clearly the group was decided but then Marathon started crying as usual and the only way to calm him down was play some Celine Dion! Marathon eventually conceded and we were off to explore Forest Lawn and try to remain undetected in Argyle outfits!

Things went well at first, no one spotted us and there weren’t any dogs or cops around, yet. But all of sudden, as we were approaching an intersection, we encountered them. A Forest Lawn street gang I heard about called the Plad Avengers! Oddly enough they were all wearing ugly plad outfits with sweater vests and cow boy hats, there were four of them, sneaking around at night, and they spotted us from the other side of the intersection just as we spotted them. They seemed to think that this street was their territory and so words ensued and the two teams formed into straight lines facing each other. Thinking back on it now, I don’t know if they really were threatening us but their inbreed, red-neck, hick accents were so thick that we couldn’t really understand them, oh well.

Anyway I think one of them said something like “You boys better scidaddle right now Ya-here” and so I replied with “Enough talk you bastards, we own this street now whether you like it or not and the four of us are clearly a match for the four of you!” Immediately after Sunflower says “Yeah!” Of course as I’m saying this, I had just noticed that several other gangs of four were coming out of the various houses around us! We were surrounded now by 5 other groups each with there own names and looks including the Queens land Pitchers, Deer Valley Mongrels, Douglas Dale Pansies, and our the long time rivals the Parkland Basturds!

After many groups threatened each other I stepped in the middle to set the ground rules. 1) No hitting the face, 2) No hits in the Fuck Zone (You know what I mean), and 3) No tampering, scratching, tearing, or staining of group outfits if it can be avoided, that was it. The violence that ensued afterwards was beyond describing; I can only say “Next to a battle lost, the saddest thing is a battle won.” That’s right, I came up with that all by myself! Anyway, after many fists of fury and glorious teamwork on our part we emerged victorious and with no casualties! Unfortunately all this commotion had stirred the neighborhood out of its slumber and we could hear vicious attack dogs and police sirens coming.

Next thing you know, all four of us are booking it back to the car when we remembered that we had no fuel. We had to act fast or we’d be busted with those gangs for sure! So I came up with a brilliant strategy, lets steal some ones car and just get the AMA to tow Marathons car back to his house later if the cops don’t find it first. Luckily, we are masters of espionage, and part of espionage is breaking and entering, so we successfully stole some old mans car without being seen and got out of there before the cops could catch on!

As it turns out, God was on our side for once that night and not only did we get all of our rivals in prison, but we got off scott-free with no cops ever finding Marathons car. And since we’re such nice guys, we returned the old man’s car that morning, in fact he was so impressed with our team and our outfits that he said “Don’t worry about it guys, you young whipper snappers just keep on doing what you love, because that’s the secret to life!” Than I said, “Fuckin-A old man” and we all went home for much needed rest.

Based on what happened we decided it was best to low for awhile before venturing out again, but we all agreed that the Argyle Knights are awesome and that we must do this again some time!

All right, that was a lot of writing! I hope you all enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please post your votes in the comments section; once I’ve heard from everyone who wasn’t there that night, I will post the real answer in my next entry.

Argyle Nights!

Wow! It has been a wild holiday, and a very long time since I have posted anything! I apologize to all my loyal fans who may think that I have abandoned them forever like my sensibilities abandoned me in social settings so long ago! But fear not, I have returned and I will make it up to you in due time! But for now, I have a very special tale to tell, the tale of group like no other, a group that stands out above the rest and triumphs no matter what the odds. No I'm not talking about the A-Team, I'm talking about the Prestigious Argyle Knights (That's not our official name, I just needed a temporary title for the two Jeff’s, Steve, and Myself)!

If I recall correctly, it was Steve's suggestion some time ago that our group get a uniform. But it was difficult to pick a style that offered uniformity yet individually, high-style and humility, charm with wit, boldness with subtlety and of course brilliance and manliness. There was also the need to avoid attention from the authorities so our first idea (Commando gear) just wouldn't cut it for anything other than stealth. So we eventually found Argyle, a style whose time has finally come to represent something other than old men at the golfing course, 1920's gangsters, or British Rally Car drivers (this I'll explain later).

I'll admit, it took a few mishaps and disappointments to find all the right pieces; luckily we eventually went to R&W whose selection was good enough so that we could all find what we needed in one place. Now that we had our super cool outfits, we were ready to hit the town! Or least Earl's near South Center to start.

After getting some interesting comments from the people in the parking lot, we entered the establishment not knowing what to expect. Despite some initial laughter, we confidently entered Earls single file through the entire lounge area until we found a nice spot in the back near a table of girls. It was clear that many heads were turned and many a discussion had ensued do to our arrival, which was great, we wanted a reaction! The problem was, we were so excited about our outfits that we neglected to make a back-story! We really dropped the ball when the first waitress (They all came to us one by one) asked us about the outfits. We were all suddenly stunned, it felt like 5 min. of the most awkward silence imaginable (I should know, I’ve caused many), when Marathon eventually mumbled "Ah Life, because of Life." the waitress looked puzzled and then we changed our story to coincidence. What!? That's not us! Usually we are as smooth as a babies bottom, especially with lies! Despite our complete lack of preparedness, we still managed to charm the waitress into liking us (They actually said they had crushes on us, this is not speculation).

Then, near the end of the dinner, we encountered a gentleman from another table who asked us if we were British rally car drivers! We told him we were going to the casino later, better than "Life" I guess. After some expensive food and arguing about the tip, we left disappointed yet impressed with ourselves. It was a great learning experience, a first run if you will that went well despite our setbacks. We than resolved to try this again at Moxies and other restaurants so that we will eventually become known around the city as the classy guys in Argyle who always tip well and right "Thank you for the Gorgeous Time" on the receipt (We regrettably forgot to this the first time.)

We then took some awesome pictures in the parking lot that you can view from face book and proceeded to go about our usual routine. But that is story for another time…

Wow, I'm really tired all of a sudden, that was a long post, and my typing skills have become sloppy! In my next entry, which will be soon I promise, I will tell you of our second adventure and speculate as to the future of our group.

Thanks for reading, Tricycle out.

Life Lessons - Part 2

Hi there everyone! True to my word (though a bit late as Amanda diligently pointed out) I am now going to grace you all with another tidbit of wisdom. This week’s topic should be considered for anyone who isn’t interested in TV anymore.

Lesson #2: TV is Crap!

It’s called the idiot box for a reason; you will become dumber if you watch too much TV, especially these days. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to watch the news sometimes and there are a select few quality shows left but in general, it smells like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's poo. Every time I start flipping through the channels I find myself getting sleepy and wishing for the good old days when Much Music actually played music instead of Porno the Musical! I also miss the quality cartoons like Ghost Busters, Ninja Turtles, and Transformers. They were cool! Now everything (Except Sponge Bob Square Pants) is seizure provoking anime or super violent and recycled trash. I also regret that I still watch the Simpsons from time to time, they had they’re hay day, but that time passed years ago and I’m always left disappointed after watching an episode made in last 3 or 4 years. It’s hard to blame them though, try writing a good script after covering almost every topic imaginable. You know what, they should stop making new episodes now and just re-run every episode every made one episode a week so that the show can go off the air by about 2012.

The worst of all however, are the reality shows, or should I say the gang-up and stab everyone in the back shows! I thought that kids were supposed to learn politics and backstabbing in junior high or at work, not on TV. TV should have more programming like National Geographic, so that we can once again trust TV to educate the young or CBC’s The Big Picture so that we can educate the not so young. More comedy would nice to, not Americas Funniest Home Videos, but actual stand up comics who may actually be funny. I guess I’m trying to say that I’m sick of being fed the same recycled, mindless garbage every night. We need more originally soon or might just have to start reading! What has the world come to, when TV is so bad and commercialized that people have to turn back to books or hit the Internet? It is like a world based on anti-logic were Ashley is polite to everyone, Jeff S. doesn’t injure himself every time we do something, or Jeff Dickson picks quality movies at the video store! Weird thought I know.

Even if I am jaded I know what I say here has some merit. So next time you think of turning on the TV, just drop the remote and do something else instead, like read my blog, it will make you smarter!

Thanks again for reading, sorry about the rather generic subject matter and the delay, but I just got my computer up and running again about an hour ago. I’ll make my next entry less rushed and on time!

Life Lessons - Part1

Hello my good friends and loyal readers, to force myself to update this blog more frequently, I have decided to start a series of entries in no particular order about some of the lessons I’ve learned (Mostly the hard way and at my own expense) over the years. As you can very well imagine, I often learn (or don’t learn) through embarrassing situations that tend to stick with me for years afterwards. Now that I think about it, most people seem to remember me for my nicknames and the stupid and entertaining things that I’ve done in the past, not for my sexy good looks, super human abilities, or other such traits. This could be because some of my long time friends seem to delight in not letting things die! That’s right, as soon I slip up I know I’m doomed to be type cast as “that guy” for all eternity unless I do something even more ridiculous. It’s a viscous cycle I tell you! Once you start this kind of legacy, there is no going back. There is a silver lining to this though, once I’ve made my mark people never forget me, so as my deeds grow in scope, I will become more and more of a celebrity, but hopefully not the kind that ends up in jail!

Lesson #1: Always hold the Lid!

Most people learn this lesson in elementary school, but not me apparently. For those of you who haven’t heard this story already, I will summarize.

It was near the end of grade 12 during one of my spares with Steve and Jeff when they decided to get some work done in art class. Since I am such a good friend and helpful individual (I can’t lie, I was just bored) I decided to lend my talents to the task and help out. Anyway everything started out well, I behaved myself and no one seemed to mind me being there, but then (For some strange reason) the other two started to shake some of the paint cans and sing the “Shake Shake song” but by the end of the song I still wasn’t satisfied with the paint I was shaking, so I shock the can as hard as I could, but since I wasn’t holding the lid (And I underestimated my great strength) the lid suddenly flew off and the paint poured over me as if someone threw it at me in one big sweeping ark. Amazingly, the guy directly behind me wasn’t hit at all and I was the only victim of my own stupidity. Needless to say, I was terribly embarrassed, the teacher was just a little pissed at me and I had to wear my jacket over my shirt the whole rest of the day. As I recall, even Andrew Hubbard laughed at me, and I was later presented with the prestigious MOFO of the Month Award from Steve and Jeff (Believe me that’s hard to earn)!

I’m also sure that this was the day the that soon to be psychology graduate and evil genius extraordinaire Steve started to study me like a test subject and secretly write a book about me that will be published years from now and make him millions of dollars and have me committed at the same time! What a bastard.

But back to the point; this lesson is simple yet deep because it has a literal and figurative meaning. The figurative meaning to me is that you should always avoid “extremist” actions or beliefs because you always miss something (Like keeping a lid on it) and eventually the metaphoric lid will pop off and cover you and everyone you care about in a viscous, colorful liquid and it will forever “stain” your destiny, bah ha ha. Now that’s true wisdom for you, if I didn’t dislike those punk kids these days, I’d teach humanities or something.

Thanks for reading everyone! I will add a new entry every weekend. If for some reason I forget or just get lazy, feel free to call me a jackass (please specify why) and I will get back on it right away!

P.S. Thanks for being such a good sport Steve! I will pick on someone else in my next entry.

The Bank is a Bitch!

**Warning, this post was made for the purpose of venting, please disregard if you don’t want to hear it**

I have had the strangest experience with the bank I was working at these last couple of months. Everything was going great up until about a week ago, or so I thought. I was given an ultimatum in my last review with my supervisor. The idea was that I had to demonstrate mastery of the “technical skills” for the job only half way through my training! This is strange though because it just came out of the blue, for no apparent reason at the time. I felt like I had been blindsided, especially since the previous review had gone so well and I thought I was on the right track.

You could think of it as a bad date that seemed to be going well until your partner suddenly throws a giant curve ball your way that tests your commitment and could make or break the relationship. It is as if we were both talking, laughing, having a good time and then suddenly the tone changed and I was told I'm not "producing" enough half way through the first date! But not in a good, I'm just kidding sort of way. Oh no, the bank never makes anything easy. The bank is like a women who seems poised and self-assured at first and then suddenly turns into a loud, crazy, unreasonable, PMSing lunatic who doesn’t know what she wants but somehow is convinced that it’s your fault! (No offensive intended to my lovely and charming female readers) But for once I did nothing to provoke this. No awkward comments, no offensive language, I talked the talked and walked the walked just the way I was asked. I even put in extra hours and waited for this “date” to be set up for 2 months without pay or any guarantee that it would ever happen.

That’s right, I was in waiting to start training for 2 months without pay, and took/paid for the Investment funds of Canada course on my own time, now that’s opportunity cost. Think of all the jobs I could have applied for in that time. In my earlier analogy, this would be the equivalent of me buying a new suit for this date and waiting in the living room while she (the bank) was in the bathroom and taking a reallllyyyy long shower while I was forced to talk with the parents (the HR department).

Anyway, when I was given this unreasonable ultimatum I decided to walk. I was already commuting 3 hours a day, volunteering for small projects and putting in unpaid overtime and so I decided I could do better “The old Its not you, its me speech basically, Bah Haha!” Serves her right!

The only conceivable reason for the sudden change in the banks priorities must be outside pressure I figure. They must have needed me out so that they could get other trainees in because I thought I was learning pretty fast, all things considered. So I am once again unemployed and looking for work, but fret not, I am Billy S after all! I’ve survived much worse and I’m stronger for it. This was merely a failed attempt at greater things and I will bounce back.

Thanks for reading, I know this wasn’t a particularly inspiring post, but I figured I had to post something this month. By the way, I’ve adjusted my settings so that anyone can post comments now.

Multiple Aliases

Most of you who know me refer to me as “Billy” or “Billy Snugs” if you knew me back in Junior High. What some of you might not know is that I have had many names in the past for predictably wacky behavior among different groups. For this entry, I will sum up some of my more memorable names and how they originated for your enjoyment at my expense.

First of all, the name Billy Snugs started as just Billy. The funny thing about this is that the same individual gave me both names. I think it was grade 9 when I first met the cocky and self-serving Justin Zack that some of you may remember. He thought that if I were bald, I would look like Billy Korgan of the Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Korgan! I don’t look anything like him! Anyway, my friends decided to call me this because they knew how much it pissed me off (Jerks). The add-on “Snugs” was only used by Justin and it was all because of that ridiculous gym class called “Stuntnastics”. Because we had to, you know, be in weird positions and such, I had no choice but to wear Tighty Whities. So after class, in the change room one day he notices this and declares me “Billy Snugs” and everyone laughs. To this day, most people still call me Billy. I guess you could say Justin left his mark. Don’t worry though; Justin got his when I tripped him, causing him to flip in the air 3 times during a soccer game, HA!

Some of you may also remember Jonathan or “Johno” as we sometimes called him from High School. He liked to call me “One-Colored Shirt Boy” as I recall (real original). I guess my wardrobe was kind of boring at the time. I really didn’t mind it though, probably because he was the only one who ever called me that. Regardless, I gave him a friendly body slam into a locker the first time he said it (Good times). I guess some people never learn.

One of my first nicknames was “The Professor” which was given to me by my sometimes goofy, at other times Intimadating Tae Kwon-Do instructor Dana Johnson. Unlike the others however, this name was actually a compliment! Back in the day, I had quite the memory you see, and could recite just about any theory I was expected to know on the spot, and in unnecessary detail. Hence the name “The Professor” was born. Also unlike the other scenarios, if I had a problem with the name, there was nothing I could do about it because Dana could have kicked my ass had I given him due cause! This particular name didn’t last very long though. Since Billy was clearly the popular choice among many of my friends in the same TKD class at the time.

And finally there’s “CRASH” my favorite nick name! It makes me feel like the star of my own hit TV show. The greatest part of this is that I actually did something to deserve it this time. Me and my old friend Leo went camping with his family and their friends one week during the summer and had an awesome time! We dammed a river, climbed small mountains, went fishing and drank a lot during the evenings around a massive campfire. I personally got swept half a mile down a river at night looking for a place to urinate, almost blew up a trailer, burnt my shoes near the camp fire, learned how to do a shot, and of course I crashed a quad into a tree next to an open field! To this day I don’t know how I managed that. I was sober, going real slow, and had not one but two sets of brakes. Oh well =), that’s all in the past now.

I have also been called Ned Flanders, Bitter Boy, Mr. Anderson, and many others that I’ll explain at another time. But for now I will leave you with this thought: Who else could possibly go by this many names? The answer: Historic Figures, Memorable Actors, and Super Hero’s. As such it is fitting that I would have so many names because in many ways I am a historic, memorable, hero (Even if the vast majority of people don’t yet realize it). Not that I am bragging or anything, but this forum is entitled “The Stories of a Great Man” and I have to live up to my own hype.

Thanks for reading folks. Come back again soon so you don’t miss out on my next great story!

The Joys of Working!

At last! After two months of interviews, taking the investments funds of Canada course, and constant uncertainty, I have a job at the bank. This brings me from being completely useless for 5 months to being way too busy again. It is nice to have a paycheck of course, I do want move out of my parents house one day!

There are some drawbacks however. Getting up at 6am every morning and not getting home until 9pm some days is hard to get used to. The worst part though, is Calgary Transit! I spend at least 3 hours on the train, on the bus, or waiting for either every day of the week! Something about being crammed into a hot, sweaty, horrible smelling vehicle next to some farting, loud, fat guy or a small army of obnoxious, restless teenagers just doesn't seem enjoyable me.

Oh well, I shouldn’t complain too much. At least I’m meeting some new people I actually don’t mind and learning the ins and outs of money and investments will come in handy one day. Thanks for reading; I promise my next post will be more entertaining (because it won’t be about work!)